Upper Arlington Cancels 4th of July Parade

Upper Arlington Parade
Upper Arlington cancels 4th of July Parade

UPDATE: It’s three days after April 1st and this post is still attracting a lot of attention, I just want to reassure everyone that that this post was an April Fools joke. 

 

In a shocking move the Upper Arlington municipality has canceled the annual 4th of July parade. Citing that the parade and the festivities turn Upper Arlington into a “middle-aged college town,” the parade has been canceled. When asked for a comment on the recent cancelation of the parade, the mayor stated that, “It’s just not fair to other suburbs anymore. We have this outrageous, whole area party to celebrate the 4th and what do other townships have? The Doo Dah Parade? Fireworks? I plan fireworks shows in my sleep.”

When asked if he even liked the parade the mayor replied, “Is a one-legged duck Catholic?” which confused everyone at the press junket.

While the annual 4th of the July Parade cancelation is tragic news, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be canceled indefinitely. The mayor said, “If it were to come back — and believe you me, I want this thing back — it would have to be on a much smaller scale so it wouldn’t seem like we would be stealing greater Columbus’ thunder. I’m thinking maybe a 20 minute parade down Club Road. I would still want the pageantry to remain however, so maybe we could equip every float with loud, siren like devices, just so everyone in a 5 mile area knew that the parade was still taking place. I know that the little children, and golfers really appreciate loud, seemingly random noises.”

When asked if other events would too be affected, such as the annual Taste of UA festival, the mayor replied, “YOU WILL NEVER TAKE AWAY MY FOOD!” confirming that Taste of UA will stay in place, and that the mayor probably has a serious affinity for free Graeters.

While this is a tragedy, it is also April 1st which means happy April Fools Day everyone…I so got you guys.

 

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