There are 4 days (I’m not counting the Thursday night game) until the magnificence that is college football returns. The Ohio State Buckeyes will be taking on the Buffalo University Bulls (why can’t we be playing the Buffalo Buffalo? ). The Buckeyes are slated for a noon kickoff, broadcast on ESPN2. While every year when I attend my first game, I’m overcome with joy and excitement that football has returned, I am always reminded of things I tend to overlook while partaking in festivities on the first game of the year. So without further ado, here’s your “Remember How to GameDay” guide pt 1.
1. Arrive early
Especially for noon games, if you want to hangout at a tailgate, see friends and family and not be late for the game, you’re going to want to arrive no later than 9 o’clock. Unless you want to scarf down food like it’s a competition, enjoy feeling rushed and panicked, and revel in long traffic lines, then get up a little earlier and start your day out right.
2. Private bathrooms
I’m always surprised about the lack of public restrooms outside the stadium. Most have signs that say “For friends of Joe Dillpickle.” or “Private Bathroom, NOT FOR PUBLIC USE, YOU INSANE PERSON WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD USE THIS!” Some even go so far as to put locks on the bathroom. I have a few solutions: 1. Piece offering – nothing gets people in the mood to let you use their private b-room like a gift of a beer, jello-shot, or Raising Canes chicken. 2. Make some friends – This may as well be the “piece offering’s” step 2. It’s time to chit-chat the person smart enough to be friends with the people smart enough to rent a porta-john, “What’s that miss unassuming bathroom renter? You also like Chipotle!? Oh my we have so much in common.” 3. $20 bill – If you simply can’t make it, and don’t have time to smooth-talk your way to bathroom bliss, then the “I really need to go, here’s $20,” is almost guaranteed to work every time. If none of this seems appealing, then just simply plan ahead of time, and walk to the nearest public restroom.
3. The Varsity Club is the closest bar to the stadium, and everyone knows it.
If the weather gets bad, and you think to yourself, “gersh, I’m going to go to the Varsity Club and watch the game there, because I’m the smartest person on earth!” Think again, because what seems like 50,000 people also had that same thought. Instead whip out your phone, turn on your “watch ESPN” app and walk the extra quarter mile to Buffalo Wild Wings, Little Bar, Outer-Inn, or one of the other many fine establishments located around campus.
4. I’m going to stop reading this because you said to use my phone to watch the game, and everyone knows you can’t use your phone unless you’re in Bucyrus on game days and I’m not even sure where Bucryus is (breath).
I’m sure someone had the above thought when I said to use the “watch ESPN” app. Don’t fret I tell you! Ohio State has heard the cries of those trying to Instagram their marvelous experience at The Shoe. A new new wireless distribution system has been installed. Verizon customers will have the best service, but other carriers will also see improved voice, data and texting service.
5. How in the world did you not include Tommy’s Pizza on the fine establishments list?
Let me tell you a little story: There once was a fan, who didn’t have a ticket to the 2012 Ohio State vs. Illinois game, so he and his friends were like, “Hey gang! Lets follow rule number 3, not go to Varsity Club, and go to Tommy’s Pizza to watch the game!” and then everyone was like “Yeah! Tommy’s has the best pizza lining both the east and west banks of the Olentangy! What a great place to watch a game!” So the fan and his friends called in an order and walked themselves to Tommy’s Pizza, and upon entering the establishment found that there were no TV’s in sight. And they couldn’t leave because of the order they had placed, and therefore missed a large portion of the game. And that boy was…you guessed it, Chuck Withers.
Check back later in the week for the rest of the “Remember how to Game Day” list.